In a bold and unprecedented budgetary move, the US Air Force has decided to sell off the land surrounding its nuclear missile silos to cover the alarming cost escalation of its Sentinel nuclear weapons program. Like so many Air Force modernization efforts, the $141 billion Sentinel project has come with budget overruns at orders of magnitude over initial estimates. This time, however, Congressional skepticism seems to have prompted the service to turn to unorthodox financing strategies. Surprisingly, several Chinese state-owned corporations emerged as the top bidders, swiftly purchasing vast swaths of land around the missile sites.
“We’ve been struggling with budget overruns for years, but those days are not behind us. The Air Force is proud to report that we’ve brought the Sentinel program back under budget,” said Major Walter “Buzz” O’Reilly, spokesperson for the Air Force Materiel Command. “The sale of the land was a strategic masterstroke. Now we can finally afford those shiny new missiles to keep deterring China!”
The Air Force was surprised when soon after the sale, their new neighbors put up robust security fencing and refused access to Air Force personnel trying to get to the missile silos. “We bought the land fair and square,” said a representative from the China Foreign Holdings Group, a company owned by the Chinese government. “What the Air Force does underground is none of our business, but we can’t have them trespassing across our land without proper authorization. This is America after all, not some Socialist country.”
Despite the apparent setback in access, the Air Force remains proud of the program. “Honestly, this funding model is being discussed as a model to avoid overruns on future acquisition programs,” the Air Force spokesperson continued. “I heard the Navy is now looking at selling off some of their sub pens to some Russian company called…Sevmash or something, to pay for the rest of their Virginia-class submarine fleet. It’s innovative thinking like this that keeps our military strong and our adversaries afraid.”
Critics have pointed out the potential security risks of such transactions, though the Air Force officials have dismissed these concerns. “We’re finally not over budget, and that’s the real victory here,” the spokesperson added. “Now we can get ahead of our adversaries by funding the replacement for the B-21 bomber which isn’t even in service yet. Plus, it’s not like the Chinese or Russians are interested in our military secrets. They’re just savvy real estate investors. And they’re pretty good neighbors too – look, they gave us these new smartphones as gifts!”
For now, the Air Force is celebrating its financial windfall and planning its next big sale. “We’re considering selling off some of our older bombers as luxury airliners,” the spokesperson mused. “Erik Prince has been pretty excited to take a couple dozen B-52s off our hands. The sky’s the limit when it comes to creative budget solutions.”
As the Air Force toasts to its newfound fiscal responsibility, one thing is clear: when the US military is faced with tough fiscal decisions, they can be counted on to find innovative approaches in the effort to deter America’s adversaries.
(Don’t worry, this is a fictional work of satire. The Air Force has not sold off key security infrastructure. But the part about the Chinese buying land in the vicinity of key national infrastructure is, however, alarming and true. So is the part about the Air Force continuously buying enormously expensive weapons programs that run grossly over budget and offer marginal deterrent value. Like the Sentinel program. Okay…so maybe it’s not satire?)
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