In a surprising turn of events, a recent remodeling of a Dunkin' Donuts located within the Pentagon has led to the discovery of a set of documents that outline what experts are calling the "20 Laws of Military Planning." The documents, found hidden within the walls of the establishment, are believed to date to World War II and offer a comprehensive framework for strategic military planning.
The document appears to be addressed to General George Marshall from the planner behind the 1941 Victory Plan, Major Albert Wedemeyer. Many have attributed Wedemeyer as the genius behind the plan that harnessed American industrial capacity and led to its victory in the Second World War.
The discovery has sparked considerable interest among military historians and strategists, who are keen to analyze the contents of the documents. Preliminary assessments suggest that these laws encapsulate a wide range of strategic considerations, from the allocation of resources to the importance of intelligence gathering and the role of diplomacy in military strategy. The 20 laws are reprinted here in their original form:
Simpson’s Law – No one reads anything.
The Law of COB – Senior officers must only give guidance for projects at the end of day, ideally on Friday afternoon.
Galletti’s Law – Upon any person taking TDY or leave, a crisis will instantly erupt in their portfolio.
Grayson’s Law – Every 24 months, every staff section will completely redesign its calendar to coincide with what the senior most leader did when they were a captain.
Miller’s Law – Every 24 months, every staff will undergo a major organizational redesign.
The Stepbrothers Law – Every 24 months every staff will reorganize its workspace. However, this will never coincide with an organizational redesign (see Miller’s Law).
Aaron’s Law – It will take a minimum of 14 versions of any document before it is signed.
Sugar’s Law – All staff officers must live within a continual cycle called the “wheel of despair” which consists of mounting frustration - explosive rage - shared suffering - sarcastic humor - cynicism and apathy - and re-evaluation of life choices. Although the officer may exit the wheel temporarily by taking TDY or going on leave, the only way to escape the wheel is PCS or retirement.
Clemente’s Corollary (see Sugar’s Law) – If a staff officer escapes the wheel of despair by retiring, within 12 months they will take a contracting job and re-enter the wheel.
Darryl’s Law – When any senior officer leaves an assignment their pet project will instantly die. However, no one involved in the project will realize this for at least 12 months (e.g., a Zombie project)
Law of Planning Hate – As more changes are made to a plan, the more a planner will hate what they have written. When the planner reaches a point where they hate every word of the plan, it is a good sign as this means it is close to final approval.
First Rule of SAMS Club – Within 15 minutes of first meeting a SAMS or SAAS trained planner they must mention that they are a graduate of that school. Additionally, in every meeting they will say the word design an average of 6.93 times.
Under no circumstances should you ever [REDACTED].
Donoso’s Law – In the event of a senior officer does not know what to do, they will at once call for an assessment or study. In rare cases, a “Double Donoso” occurs where a senior leader asks for an “assessment of the assessments.”
Puzzo’s Law – Anyone associated with special operations, even on a temporary basis, has the choice of wearing civilian PT clothes at all times.
Bae’s Paradox - Whatever a company grade officer complains about most is what they will be assigned responsibility for when promoted to field grade.
Binder’s Law: No matter how many IT upgrades or how the knowledge management process changes, the staff will still be required to produce binders for senior leaders. These binders will have a shelf life of 7-10 years before anyone is comfortable shredding the documents in them, even though they are all on the portal or shared drive.
Ariel’s Law: No two senior leaders, especially who replace one another will desire the same font in presentations and papers.
Gem’s Law: Nobody will ever perfect a ghost email, or how to embed one ghost email into another.
[REDACTED].
The Pentagon has yet to release an official statement regarding the find, but sources close to the matter indicate that a team of experts is currently examining the documents to ascertain their authenticity and potential implications for contemporary military strategy. An unnamed Major on the Joint Staff was tasked to convert these historical documents into a detailed PowerPoint briefing. However, this briefing has been rescheduled multiple times by the requesting senior leader and it is uncertain when it will occur.
This unexpected discovery not only sheds light on historical strategic planning processes but also opens up discussions on how these principles can be adapted and applied to modern-day challenges. As the analysis of the documents continues, the military community eagerly awaits further insights that could enhance our understanding of strategic planning and its evolution over time.
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Please note that the preceding article detailing the discovery of the "20 Laws of Military Planning" during a remodeling of a Dunkin' Donuts outlet at the Pentagon is a work of satire. The story, including the discovery of historical documents and their implications for military strategy, is entirely fictional and intended for entertainment purposes only. No such event occurred, and the details provided should not be interpreted as factual. This satirical piece aims to engage readers with a humorous take on the unexpected intersections between everyday life and the realms of military planning and strategy.
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