The following article is a satirical piece and not based on actual events or plans by the US Army. Or any other military branch. Except maybe the Marines.
As the U.S. Military eagerly prepares for a war it wants to avoid while manifestly ignoring the competition it claims is necessary to avoid it, the Navy has found itself thrust back into the budgetary limelight. “Given all the water in the Pacific Ocean, we’re counting on a large set-piece battle against China to be a real fiscal winner,” said the excited Navy CNO Admiral Lisa Franchetti. After slogging through decades of war in inconveniently land-locked desert countries, the Navy is relishing the opportunity to finally divest its tan uniforms and fight over countries with beachfront property.
The Defense Department seems to agree. Secretary Lloyd Austin said, “America has been throwing money at a land war for two decades, and look where that’s gotten us. Now it’s time for a strategic shift. So we’re going to instead throw a ton of money at whatever shiny new stuff the two remaining shipbuilders not yet owned by the Chinese say we should buy. That’s how America can dominate a fight in the Pacific. Against China.”
Suddenly feeling left out of the party, Army Chief of Staff General Randy George has “floated” an audacious plan to ensure its participation in a fight in the Taiwan Strait. Called OPERATION UNSINKABLE, it is an initiative to retrofit tanks to allow large-scale division armored maneuvers in the Pacific and ensure continued budgetary relevance for the Army. “Gentlemen,” General George said in a press conference, “great power competition is now the name of the game… competition for dollars against the Navy, that is. And we’re gonna win!”
The Spark of Inspiration
The genesis of Operation Unsinkable occurred during a Pentagon briefing dominated by discussions of naval maneuvers and carrier strike groups. A disgruntled Armor officer watching the briefing commented, “Why are we counting on the Squids to stop the Chinese horde? They only like twelve boats, and they’re all missile bait. We have like 8,000 tanks, and could turn that damn island into a fortress!” The officer was quickly escorted from the room by Shore Patrol, but not before the comment gave inspiration to Major General Pat “Foghorn” Thompson, a proponent of unconventional armor strategies.
“Why can’t we just make an Abrams Main Battle Tank swim, son?” said General Thompson while stuffing a dip in his lip. “It’s a big metal tub, not that different from the stuff those Navy boys have. Looky here, if them squids can do it, the Army can do it better. By God, we will come alfoatin’ at them commie bastards with guns blazing!” Thus, Operation Unsinkable was born, with the mission to transform the Army’s land machines into seaworthy amphibious vessels. After two years of grueling development and a mere $436M investment, the effort has successfully produced a game-changing new technology the Army calls the “Buoyant Omni-domain Assault Tank” (B.O.A.T).
The Trials and Tribulations of Operation Unsinkable
The Army’s B.O.A.T. project began with an ill-fated prototype called the “Aqua-Abrams,” an attempt to equip a 70-ton M1A2 Abrams tank with buoyancy modifications. The Army’s engineers embarked on a series of increasingly desperate attempts to achieve this goal, though after repeated failures, each solution became more absurd than the last.
The B.O.A.T. engineering team’s initial approach was to attach giant inflatable bags to the tanks. While the design had promise, the team was challenged to obtain the bags through the Army’s lethargic procurement system. Ever the innovator, General Thompson found a workaround by ordering 20,000 unicorn-clad toddler arm floaties from Amazon using his government travel card. Unfortunately, test engineers discovered that the cheap Chinese-made inflatables had difficulty repelling an armor-piercing anti-tank fire, to the cost of six lost test tanks.
This failure inspired General Thompson’s team to look to non-inflatable solutions. Engineers duct-taped hundreds of colorful foam pool noodles around the prototype tank, and were overjoyed as the Aqua-Abrams floated ever so briefly. Upon encountering the wake from a passing jet-ski, however, the floatation halo exploded into a confetti of foam noodles, sending another tank to the bottom, much to the amusement of several Naval officers gleefully observing the test from a nearby beach bar.
The Final Solution: The B.O.A.T.
After this disappointing series of failures, the Army finally embraced a more pragmatic solution: setting the tanks on an ingenious foundation called a “Hydrodynamic Underbody Lift Layer” (H.U.L.L). These H.U.L.L.s are creatively crafted in a V-shape for stability, and equipped with an engine that drives a small submerged version of an aircraft propeller. Initial trials were unsuccessful as the tanks would roll off into the water, so engineers removed the tracks and welded the body to the hull. While this meant the tank would no longer be able to maneuver on land, General Thompson noted “I’m no engineer, son, but tracks ain’t no use on water. We gotta be lean and mean to secure the Army’s place in the fight…we’ve got commies to kill and Congressional dollars to put in the Army’s piggie bank.”
The General continued, “Our H.U.L.L. floatation tech led to this here thing we call a B.O.A.T. system.” The General added, pointing at a rudimentary sketch of what appeared to be a tank perched atop an aluminum fishing boat. “Our new B.O.A.T. allows the Army to conduct division-scale armored land maneuvers on parts of the battlefield that for some stupid reason are covered in water. This capability will be a real game-changer when we argue for money to Congress.” Foghorn made sounds like laughing before concluding, ”Let’s see the Navy compete with that. Yee-Hawa!”
Buoyed by their success, the General’s team is doubling down with their next innovative project. Spokesman CWO 3 Pete Liyer said, “We all know that armored formations can be vulnerable to enemy infantry, and therefore require infantry support, but our initial trials have unveiled… challenges… getting infantry patrols to stay in formation with the B.O.A.T.s. So today, I am pleased to announce that the Army has contracted Northrop Grumman to provide a prototype of the first-ever Seaborne Hybrid Infantry Platform (S.H.I.P). This will be the foundation for the future of combined arms.” The General then directed one of the crew to get busy painting the nearby B.O.A.T.s grey to better blend in with the surrounding maritime environment. Foghorn yelled loudly at the men, “Camouflage is continuous, boys. Slather that paint on real’ good.”
A spokesman for Northrop said the company would most likely subcontract procurement of the S.H.I.P.s to the Bass Pro Shop corporation with a markup of about 130% for wasting their time on this stupid idea, noting that they have actual aircraft carrier projects they needed to overpromise and underdeliver on.
Training and Integration
To support its new maritime capability, the Army is also looking to establish a training command and division headquarters at a location it calls the “National Aquatic Vanguard Yard” (N.A.V.Y.) located at Fort Shafter in Hawaii. In the N.A.V.Y. program, soldiers will be trained not only in the operation of the B.O.A.T. system, but also in how to deal with the unique challenges of the new operating environment. Courses include underwater engine repair, advanced paddling, and “Surviving the Splash,” a rigorous obstacle course that pits soldiers against such maritime threats as seasickness and ocean life encounters.
Secretary Austin weighed in on the effort while recovering from Congressional testimony earlier in the day. “Operation Unsinkable represents the Army’s unrelenting drive to innovate and adapt to the most important competition of our day – the competition for resourcing in between the services. The Army must transform into a true all-domain force to remain the priority in future budget requests. The B.O.A.T. project is a bold and only marginally quixotic effort to ensure the service is ready to do its part in the joint fight. And of course, the best way to ensure an effective joint operation is to ensure it’s all under the control of the Army.”
Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire. The US Army does not currently have any known plans to create floating tanks and the events described are entirely fictional. But we at Strategy Central are reasonably confident that someone in the Army Staff will probably read this and think it’s a good idea.
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